Blogse'

I really want to write...I really do...sincerely...Im going to give it another whirl...thanks to the pressure from Stacy :). I need a little kick to get started...so thanks Stacy.

Grant turned 4 this month! Four years since my vagina was officially wrecked (ouch). I mean...four years since I turned into a Mother...four years since my life was turned upside by tremendous love for what ended up being a pretty sick little baby...four years since my husband and I have had a whole night to ourselves...four years since Grant breathed his first breath of earthly air and gazed up at me and said I LOVE YOU I NEED YOU DONT LEAVE ME PLEASE HELP ME. Its been a trip thats for sure and I would not trade him for hot sex or a trip to Belize...oh no...he is mine...and he is of me...and we have known each other for forever. I love you Grant.

Now about this blogging thing....Im going to think like a blogger and have my topics chosen before I sit down...because thats how its enjoyable to me and probably you. So off to think I am.

A huge milestone happened this week...my baby started preschool. Sure we had tried preschool in the past but this is the real deal. We are serious this time...he is ready and willing...and the school itself is fabulous. He attends from 8:30am - 1:30pm Monday through Friday. This changes my life DRAMATICALLY. I cant tell you how much relief this is giving me. I welcome the change in routine. I almost feel like a new woman!!! Its also giving my 10 month old (tomorrow) daughter and I a chance to have some girl time and get to know each other even better.

Here he is posing on the first day of school! Its the first day of the rest of his life!!!

Trippin in Kansas

Its been one whole year and a half since we moved from Tonganoxie, KS. We lived there four years. Four very important, life changing years. I moved out there a single, child free woman. I left married and mother of a two year old. Tongie was where I started (and potentially ended) my career in parks and recreation. I fell in love with that little town and the friendly people therein. Finally...tomorrow we start the pilgrimage back to that special place that will always be a big part of me.

I am sooo looking forward to seeing some familiar faces and giving some bear hugs. I'm excited to share a piece of our history with Grant and have Bronwyn cross the state border for the first time. Its hard to believe how long its been since I have seen those places that once were so familiar. I love when memories come rebounding back...triggered by a place or a food or a person.

How funny that for 30 years I wondered..."who lives in Kansas anyway?" and or "who would live by a toll highway? that's just weird!"...but then I became that person and learned a lot about a state that I grew up snubbing my nose at. I learned to love Kansas and always will.

So tomorrow we are off....to the place of southerly wind!!!

So Yoga....

Decided to attend yoga on Thursday from 5:30 - 6:30pm. It was already dark before I left my cozy home...and I a few moments of indecisiveness. But I did it! I left my fussy baby (she was sooo tired) and I left the dishes dirty and I even left my car behind (it was trapped in the drive way so at the last harried second I took my moms van).

Sure I was the last one to arrive...but I made it...and for that alone I am proud. And that's where the pride in all of this ends. The nice lady at the counter asked if it was my first time and ushered me to the FRONT OF THE CLASS where she laid out my mat and blanket. Now I had about 20 ladies behind me...watching my rumpus bob up and down. But ya know...it didn't bother me...well just a tinge because I did have my heart set on the back so I could learn from watching others....but overall I guess I am just secure enough to be OK with that arrangement.

Basic yoga...at least that class that day at that time with that teacher...was pretty cool. It was much more difficult than I had imagined. Funny how one forgets how OLD they are or how long it has been since they used their core or balanced on one leg. The first half of the hour was spent on the floor doing core work. It was VERY difficult. I kept watching the clock...wondering when the stretching and meditation would begin. Then we moved to our feet and did a bunch of balancing which was very fun as well as very challenging. I was TRULY surprised with how out of balance I had become....quite a metaphor for my life right now. We did some stretching and ended with a nice meditative cool down. By the end I was really happy I had made it and interested to see how future classes would go. Hopefully next time my friend Jennifer will make it out with me...that will surely add to the fun factor.

When I arrived home I found the dishes done (thanks Dave) and Bronwyn passed out after crying and crying. :( ho hum. Its SO hard for me to leave her...especially at bed time. I wish I could attend a day class. If I could just do the class with her in the baby bjorn! ;_) I suppose I may have to find a different "me time"...one that could include her...but then I'm still serving..still on the clock...but who am I kidding...Mamas are ALWAYS ALWAYS on the clock...forever more...and that's fine by me....cause I love em to pieces...I wanna eat em up.

Dreamin of Me Time

While attempting to visit with a lactation consultant AND keep my 3 year old busy AND keep my 7 month old happy AND ask intelligent questions and retain important answers.....I did the unthinkable...or at least the ridiculous....I put Bronwyn's sock ON A DOLL. It was freaking hilarious...although rather absurd and possibly worrisome. In that cracker box of a room my brain was seriously multi tasking and seriously scattered...as usual. I went over to the doll that Grant was playing with and as I answered his 1 millionth questions.....I did it. Like not just to the toes...I pulled that sock all the way up before I realized the error of my ways. I just bust into crazy laughter and told the lactation consultant I knew she was gonna tell people.

Now sure its funny...but in a way it not. I have been in somewhat of a bad place mentally . I feel dishelveled...stressed...sometimes unhappy. I feel like a mama failure. I feel like I haven't felt since high school. I feel kinda crazy and kinda stupid. I feel like crying everyday. I feel in a sort of prison....and I feel claustrophobic.

I have never been one to be very good at hiding my true feelings. I wear my heart on my sleeve. And this is no different of a situation. Although I am truly trying very hard to figure out solutions to my frustration...the truth of the matter is...things are great.I just need to suck it up and be strong and GROW UP. What I am crying about???? Ridiculous.

So yoga it is. I am going to start finding a babysitter for Tuesday nights (Dave refuses to watch bronwyn by himself) and I am freakin GOING TO YOGA. I neeeeeeeeed meditation. I neeeeed stretching and holy crap I nEEEEEEEDDD MEEEEEE TIIIIMMMMEEEEEEE.

I am going to find more ways to feed my spirit....because it is really stifled...and I gotta be strong and solid and happy inside so I can enjoy this fabulous life I have created for myself and be the best mama and wife I can be.

Bronwyn update

Things are good...things are great. Especially when the children are sleeping! I love them I do....but its SO challenging to deal with almost never getting a full minute to process a thought!!!!

Sigh.

My daughter is the most beautiful girl baby I have EVER seen! She is just perfect...when I see her my heart does a back flip. Seriously...the girl is gorgeous, smart, precious, sweet and um...obviously mine right? I never thought I would have a daughter...and she is such a special suprise...I know I am blessed. Im SO looking forward to getting to know her.

She turned 6 months old yesterday! Im so glad she is hearty for the winter. As soon as I knew I was pregnant...I did the math and was relieved to know she would have a good head start before winter..and all the pretty sicknesses that brings! Bronwyn is long and light. She is presently attempting to crawl...getting into position and rocking. She is pulling up!!! She talks...dada....nana...its very cute. She is a lazy laugher...and although she smiles readily..her laughs are more rare. She adores her brother! She walks in the walker...just this week walking the house over. She loves to play with toys on her play mat and easily tosses them from hand to hand...mauling all of them of course. I have yet to really start feeding her solids...but she does play with taste and texture and so far loves everything including: frozen cherries, frozen blueberries, bananas, clementines, cauliflower, mashed taters and even Kix (bad mom). I plan on starting to feed her more in the very near future as she does have the interest and has reached an age where I feel very comfortable with it.

Funny how I was feeding her brother Grant 3 meals a day by 6 months. This time around Im straight up more lazy..and I know its recommended that breastfed babies dont need solids in the first year...it actually just takes up space...where as breastmilk is MUCH more nutritios. But I see her true interest and yearning for the stuff...so I will allow her to indulge!

Ok...off to parenting

Breastfeeding Humor

Our High Spirited Child

So today was one of those days where I clearly remembered WHY I signed Grant up for preschool to start with....not for academic achievement....no...just so I could be free of him for a few hours a week and hopefully regain my strength...and patience. My child...is SO VERY STRONG SPIRITED...its frightening sometimes. The doctor and therapist (who wants us to come visit) encourages us to "get a handle on it"...for you see its easier now than say when he is 16.

I agree that a child his age needs to be taught "grace and courtesy" as they say in Montessori. He shouldnt be hitting, biting, name calling, walking over, pushing aside...other children/people. He should learn to talk in a civilized tone and volume in most situations. However....the other side to it is...at least for me...that a child his age should be allowed to...be a 3 year old. In my mind he should have room to follow his instincts act out his fantasies...even when it is annoying to me. I just want him to have a balanced three year old experience. I want him to be free...when freedom does not cost the respect of others that is.Its just a challenging situation...because again...he is VERY HIGH SPIRITED..and thats a nice way to put it.

He apparently does not care about most consequences...toys included. He really doesnt care much for toys in general (my husband was right). He would rather work and be involved in my every solitary thought and action 24/7. He loves to model my less than perfect behaviors...which include yelling, cussing and hitting. Yes I suck. The good news is I am learning and working at improvement...every minute of the day. Its my mantra...calm....thats it....be calm. Well its DAMN hard to be calm....when dealing with a completely self absorbed, irrational, over zealous, selfish mini me!!!!!!!! Its one of those things where I understand what I want to do.....ways I want to react...but then...my blood pressure sky rockets, my hormones freak, my mo jo falters...and...I yell. But at least I am NOT in denial!

I love love love him dearly....I love him till it hurts...and I KNOW very well the super sensitive, sweet, compassionate, adorable, smart, witty, hilarious and kind child that he is. However....I also know the other side....THAT side...that just brings me to my knees. Lord help us. And its days like today I wonder WHY oh WHY did I take him out of preschool last week....because he had separation anxiety?????

Well I know why...because to see a child his age have to be pried off his mothers leg every day of preschool...for 6 weeks (granted it was only 12 classes)...just doesnt seem right. I dont work outside the home...so I have the availability to keep him with me. He did well at school...after I left....when I picked him up he seemed happy and proud...but why was he sooo clingy when begin dropped off. It just made me feel sorry for him...and realize that he has the rest of his life to be "institutionalized" in some way or another...school and work etc. These are the last months of his young life that he can just be a kid...with his mom...running around town...being "free"...as free as he can get away with. SO I pulled him out...and now I have him 24/7...and when he is having a "naughty" day...I pull my hair out and want to take him back to that school and not even look back.

Instead I will persevere....to find ways to reach him...to find ways to control myself...to find ways to live through this challenging period...and enjoy it...and remember the great times...because there are plenty of wonderful moments and experiences. I am blessed to have such a healthy, intelligent child...who thinks outside the box! What else can I ask for??

A ha ha

I had an "aha" moment today...a few times.

See...I struggle with this "stay at home mom" thing. I LOVE it....I detest it...I am learning to be good at it...its the biggest challenge of my life. Even though I dreamt of being able to do it when Grant was in day care for the first 2 years of his life...it still bewilders me and has me yearning for more freedom.

I adored my AWESOME job...in my field...I excelled at it...I was finally good at something .And it felt great. However....motherhood threw a monkey wrench into all that...because I was a Mom first....and a career woman second...but sending your child away for 40 hours a week...doesn't feel like putting motherhood first. It feels ROTTEN to send your baby away any day...but especially when they are teething or just needing you. I wanted to be able to not work away from home...and be there for them 24/7. Well now I get to...and I grumble about it!!!!!!!!!!! WTF!

So today.....my son was being adorable and asking questions and learning lots of new things on an outing. We were having great dialogue and digging each other. I was THANKFUL for being there with him...and not at work. I was thankful for having my baby in my arms and....not at work. She was teething all day..and I was thankful to be there to ease her pain..as only a mother can.

I was thankful to have to eat lunch with one hand (Bron in the other) while keeping an eye on my son who was "playing" a video game in the corner wondering how many employees he was pissing off. It was great to be at one with my position as care giver extraordinaire...and it was definitely a nice "aha".

Starting over

Im baaaaaaackkkkkkkkkkkk. Im just gonna write. Just gonna force myself to write...to let it flow...to get it out...to have some fun. I am 1000% mama right now and 0% Paula...and that cant last forever. I owe it to myself to start finding time for me again. And a great place to start is right here. I will carve out little bits of time here and there and just write. It might not be interesting....but Its not about entertainment...its about therapy.

I decided to come back to Olive Juice because I like the energy and vibe that this blog had...or has. I like how I used to be able to write. Sure....I did it at work...so I had lots of time and privacy and even got paid to do it! Now...not so much. No privacy...no time and no dough. That makes it challenging. But....I want to latch on to the momentum that this blog had...and keep the chronicle alive.

So who is Paula anyhoo? Iam realist, a humanist, liberal, open minded, honest, compassionate, ethical, hard working, animated, fun and yet a tad bitter, angry and depressed 36 year old mother of two. I mother all day and night...and its not my forte. I am not a patient woman. I am much better as a career woman...however...I feel like they need me home right now. And since I can.....I will...and I will strive to better everyday...every hour...every second...never giving up on myself even when I totally SUCK at mothering.

The End Has Come

I have decided to go ahead and pull the plug on Ol' Olive Juice.

Thank you so very very much indeed for checkin in on us over here...and even reading some words every once in while. It has been a VERY fun ride..and I am so happy that I kept up with it as timely as I did. However...I just do not have the gumption to keep it going. I have decided to start a completely anonymous blog. Sweet freedom here I come :)

Bless you for coming here.

There will be no more updates.

Peace Out

Back Home

Here we are...back from another big adventure out East. Ahhhh...tis good to have a flexible schedule. Grant had an amazing time visiting his Nana, Papa and other various family members. It was all good indeed.

I had to rush home today to look at a house my husband was just thrilled over. It is cute....and across from a park AHHHHHHH. However the rooms are pretty darn small...and I did not fall in love with the place.

Gotta run...but I wanted you to know that I am back. Thanks for your patience. I do have some big news....and blog suicide is the theme.

Beautiful Eggs

I find the homogenous white eggs at the grocery store a bit creepy. Not only are the poor mothers of those eggs Sad, miserable and pumped with antibiotics and hormones..the eggs themselves are less than delicious.

Here are some beautful eggs....each unique in size, shape and color. Some have a little hey sticking to them. Most importantly....their chicken mamas are happy little birds...scouring the yard for insects and having the life a chicken deserves. These eggs are SO delicious too....its like happiness adds flavor. Doesnt hurt that they have no antibiotics or hormones added...so the health of the egg is passed on to my family. AHHHHHH.

I always seek out farm eggs wherever I roam. These gorgeous specimens are delivered weekly at the affordable and luxurious price of get this.....$1.50/dozen!!!!! Could we be any luckier? The nice lady has 20 chickens and just allows us to enjoy her bounty. I encourage you to ask around and find such a chicken lady of your own. You will be SO glad you did.

How old is too old to breastfeed?

I attended my first ever Le Leche League meeting the other night. Funny how it took 2 years to make it. I questioned my rational for going.....is it even for me at this point in the nursing relationship? However...I am SO glad we attended (Grant and I). I was surprised how many questions I had...about night weaning etc...and how many questions I had input on for others.

The group had varying ages of children....all the way from a tiny 2 week old....to an almost 5 year old...ALL still nursing. So Grant was not the oldest...and that was a great added value for me. I realized that the pressure I have been getting to wean had been weighing on me...and being around other "sustained breastfeeding relationships" was encouraging and intriguing. I checked out two books from their lending library.....one is Nursing Toddlers and the other is How Weaning Happens.

My nursing toddler is begging for attention, so I must go. However.....this topic is on my mind...and I really want to blog about it. I know that the average person is estranged from long term nursing...so there is no doubt a curiosity about it. I myself have hang ups....how old is "too old"? I certainly do not see Grant nursing at.....well I used to think 3 but now I am not so sure. The more I read and research and learn and grow as a mother....the more I question my breastfeeding ethics...my breastfeeding rules and regulations.

Gone Camping

So Saturday morning we serendipitously headed out on a camping expedition 1.5 hours after our weary heads rose from the pillow! How is that for spontaneous?

I must say that we did NOT rough it however. We borrowed my very generous brother in law's adorable little TAP (camper) and rolled on out of town with our king size bed in tow. I failed to get pictures that truly captured the fun of Grant's first camping trip. He did make up a camping song that proved to me without a doubt that he LOVES camping hehe. It went something like this:

la la la, la la la, CAMPING (claps)
la la la, la la la, CAMPING (claps)

It was SOOOO cute. Wish the camcorder would have been going for that one.

We enjoyed a fire (hotttt....moke as Grant noted), a gorgeous view of the lake from our camp site, a suprisingly comfortable outdoor temperature, Grant's first ride on a Sea Doo (jet ski), swimming in the lake, picking up lots of sticks and rocks, a conservation program on animals that come out at night, using flashlights (BIG hit right now!!), cooking on the fire (although it was really just heating up a stromboli sandwich) and lots of socialization. It was a great time.


See the Tab in the background? Thats a sweet little camper I tell you.


Made good friends with kids in the neighborhood "Moke" in his eyes

White Boys Can Dance

Grant LOVED his first day at dance class. He did a lot of standing around but did participate plenty. His skip was actually the best....and you should see his splendid tippy toes walk (with arms in an arc over the top of his wee little head...so cute). Notice his tap shoes??? Aren't they adorable. Tiny boy shoes are all but impossible to find! Even the studio manager was in awe of these itsy bitsy shoes.

Somehow I had managed to mess up the start date...so we showed up to NO class. Fortunately they were SUPER sweet and invited us to participate in the 3-5 year old class that had just started. I was so relieved...because I had been tempting him all day to dancing with kids..and I hated to lie of such wonderment.

The funniest part was when I saw a little girl whisper repetitively in Grant's ear..."You're a boy....you're a boy". Grant just SMILED the biggest grin. It was hilarious.

Tonight we actually start his real...toddlin twos class. The "mess up" seems to be working to our advantage because tonight he will not have the extreme newness that kids have the first class. It was SO much fun to watch him interact and sometimes follow directions...and most importantly have a GREAT time. Who knows if we will actually sign up for another month...but for now...he is experiencing something new.

Ugliest Birthday Cake Ever

As promised here is the cake I made with love for Grant...and his cousin Kate's birthday this past Monday. It was red velvet with vanilla icing...and get this....Swedish fish for accent. Yes I thought fish would be a theme Grant would enjoy...and my love of the chewy things had nothing to do with it (by the way...Swedish fish with icing is WAY good). If I was an overachiever type...I would have loved to make him a drum cake......but obviously I am NOT.

Child Development Manager

I do not think "stay at home mom" accurately reflects my present situation. We are movers and shakers over here...taking adventures by foot, car, train and wagon. The region is our oyster and we are bound and determined to learn our way through it. Every little detail of the day can be an exciting lesson for a just turned 2 year old!

Changing the bed sheets for example...not only did he help (and take off all the pillow cases) but we talked about the pieces that make up a bed...the bed, pad, sheets and pillows. Then he helped me load them in the washer...and later dryer..and then of course making the bed hours later. The school of life indeed.

I find myself really getting in sync with my son and the rhythm of being a "not employed outside the home" mom...a 'full time care giver"....a "career mama". This lifestyle suits me just fine and I would not trade these moments for a million dollars.....seriously.Things are starting to settle down and I really love where we are right now.

Happy 2nd Birthday Grant!

In Nana's garden.

Can it be that 2 years ago today I was having my first early labor contractions? I was at work and noticed that my lower abdominal "cramps" were happening over and over...maybe I should start noting the times. After lunch I decided to stay home...I was feeling strange and those darn cramps were not going away. By 5PM I wanted to call the midwife and check in. She told me to go to the movies. By 6PM I was in active labor.....translation...IN MADD PAIN. The contractions turned from tolerable to HOLY SHIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTT. We still needed to shower and pack...so that took awhile. It was not until 9PM that we stumbled into the birth center. I was 9 cm ! Grant was up high so I had lots of pushing to attend to (which started on the drive :( ). He was born at 10:56PM!!!!!


Will post the birth story as soon as I find it!!! grrrrrr.

Happy birthday dear son Grant Paul!!!!! You rocked my world and turned it upside down! You are gorgeous and smart and sweet and funny....I love your idiosyncrasies and oddness...I even love your rebellious spirit. Thank you for making me into a better person...and a mother. Life will never be the same again. Ok...off to write him a letter. (each year I archive a birthday letter to Grant..and will give them all to him someday...either his 18th...or when he moves out...haven't decided yet.)

Have a great seven seven.

Here is Grant finger painting with flour/water/food coloring paint. I think he would rather use brushes....so guess what he is getting for his birthday? (well besides the balance bike)

Zen moment sitting on basketball (that he can dribble now)
Birthday dinner at Serras (yum) ...first candle of the birthday
Mixing his birthday cake with mom on the kitchen counter (that is his smile for the camera...isnt it hilarious) Oh and the cake turned out hilarious too!!Will post pic tomorrow. It is the UGLIEST cake ever. Hope it tastes better than it looks. Note to self...practice cake decoration.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE this picture! Is that not the cutest face? The garden is nice too :)

Contemplation
Putting the birthday wagon from Nana together. So intent!
My cherub (ya right)
All dressed up to attend a wedding...another posing smile ...as you may notice
Thanks for visiting. Peace out

|Happy |My| Favorite| Number |Day

"Raising children is like being pecked to death by chickens"

I read this on the register at a local diner....and it makes me laugh everytime Ithink of it